Grief-Getting to The Core With Peace-it is not a simple task… this post has been updated 3-27-2023
As a person strives each day for solace, when experiencing the process of grief, they must try to make sense of how to get to the core of their grief. Grief does not have a set timeframe or a prior arrangement. It can begin before someone’s final death, or after a sudden death or an untimed loss of anything considered important to one’s life. Here we hope to give some thoughts on Grief – getting to the core and finding peace.
It actually does not have to be a death. Very often when people lose someone they love for any reason, there is a time of grief for many. It has been said that living pain is worse than death. I probably do not agree with that when it comes to a child that has died. A mother’s love is like no other love and resembles God’s love.
Some emphasis on what “the core,” is:
Definition of Core:
1. Core is – a central and often foundational part usually distinct from the enveloping part by a difference in nature.
2. Core is – A basic, essential, or enduring part (as of an individual, a class, or an entity).
3. Core is – The inmost or most intimate part.” Re: Merriam-Webster
We do not think about death until we are left with no choice…our understanding is only a brief second until then…
Death is something that most of us avoid thinking about. It is only until it happens to someone we hold so dear that we allow our thoughts to dwell there. Death is something that regardless of one’s Spiritual status, is hard to understand.
When life starts to leave the body, we cannot comprehend the feeling, and when we see it happening to someone we love, it is almost unbearable. The fear of the unknown, the depth of not understanding how breath leaves the body, the spirit is gone, and the body no longer functions. It all renews our fear of the most unknown to us, and it will always be unknown until… we experience it ourselves.
Our questions are so many. Our thoughts shift in many directions, and our mind wants to know more, yet we are not prepared and will never be until it is our time.
Watching death take life away is hard…
I watched my son, and it was hard to see him grasping for understanding himself. He would sometimes well up. Never voiced the fear aloud, but in the end, he said he was ready; the day before he left. Meaning, I think, he was ready to pass from this life to a place of peace, with no more pain. God had given him the acceptance, understanding, and peace he needed to say goodbye.
The immediate loss…has no answers…almost no feelings…
The feeling of loss, or should we call it, feeling lost in all of it; is hard to grasp, much less, accept. When a mother loses that part of her that she was able to give birth to, it seems inconceivable that she cannot protect that part of her from death. From the helpless human mind which knows that only the Sovereign God can save from death.
There are questions, in the beginning, mostly those that are not answerable. It often starts with anger, blame, even contempt, wonder, and always insurmountable pain. Acceptance takes some time, and often waivers. The human mind can only handle one element at a time when grieving, therefore much goes left unsaid, unanswered, and unfounded. In the beginning, almost everything is abstract, and without merit.
During and after the process of sending that person home
The aftermath of laying someone you love to rest is somewhat of a blur. It is like a faint dream. Yet when you see how many people loved the person you lost, it brings relief and helps to ease the pain of loss, even if only for a while.
There is no merit…
With death it is hard to find merit, that which we call goodness, however, understanding is lying somewhere in the core waiting to be brought forth. It is hard to comprehend the scripture in Ecclesiastes that states, “A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one’s birth.”
How do we believe the aforementioned Bible verse? It depends upon our faith I think, and knowing that God had his reasons. The choices made were not his in the beginning, or in the end. Humans make decisions, and those decisions can determine life.
Why was God not there?
He was there, he saw, his view was precise, and he knew and felt the sorrow, and probably wept as he did when he saw Lazarus lying dead.
One may say, oh, but there is no good reason for this a non-curable disease or anything that causes death. God should have done something! True, it is hard to fathom the why of it all. However, what caused the disease, or death? God did not cause the disease and he does not. We often question God, asking why he was not there.
“For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Hebrews 4:15.
Choices have consequences…
When a disease is diagnosed and is caused by something that a person could have rejected, stopped doing, or never partook of… like tobacco. A person must clearly come to grips with the evidence that humans have free will. They often make decisions and do not take the rational step forward. The individual, not God, made that choice, and choices have consequences.
Excerpt from “Where is God When Tragedy Happens?”
In the beginning, God decided to give both angels and man genuine free will. God is love (1 John 4:16), and true love requires giving the other party freedom not to reciprocate love. Thus, God “allowed” or “permitted” the possibility of evil in order to make possible an unforced response of genuine goodness and love. If something contrary to His will happens, it is because God cannot at that moment stop it without going against His own nature. How could that be?
God does not bring evil or destroy…He died to save humanity
“Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil.”The Bible Hebrews 2: 14
However, does anyone know what kind of tragedy lies ahead? They do not, and not one person knows what tomorrow may bring. We are all living one moment at a time, yet live as if we have forever.
When is death ever understood…?
Any loss of a loved one is important and painful. However, when a person reaches a certain age; a parent, or anyone who is older, it is more acceptable to us. We accept that it is time for him or her to reach a place of safety, no more pain, no more confusion, or unrest.
When death is traumatic, sudden, or without any merit, we leave the acceptance mentioned above behind. The beginning of why stares us in the face, and the grief is overwhelming. We understand what we feel is what happens when losing someone, but it is hard to call it normal, or what has to be.
We know death will come, but when…
As Christians, we know that God has not a set time, yet we set it in our minds. Why is it that we think we have more than the next minute? No one knows…for sure, the end of the end for himself, herself, or any other. Is this so hard to accept? We do not have all of the answers that we wish we had. Do we not think about life the way the Bible speaks of it or as it really is?
We have our minds set on growing to a ripe older age. It does happen, yet we never indulge in thinking otherwise, and this is probably where we falter. No, we should not live in fear of death, but we should seek to understand it better.
This is why The Lord’s Prayer states – “deliver us from evil.”
Grieving is a process and it is different for each individual…
My concept is that not one person can actually tell you how to grieve, how long you should grieve, or exactly why you are grieving. There is no set process because we are all different humans.
If one were to try to see from within themselves what the core of their grief actually is; I think, one could understand it better. It could give them an answer on how to pray for themselves.
This is because one must understand that another person cannot tell you how to overcome your grief. They can only ask you questions to help you understand your grief better yourself.
Some of those questions might be…
- Are you still angry, and do you need to let it go?
- What are the regrets that involve you?
- Are you blaming yourself?
- Do you blame God?
- What grieves you the most?
- If you could turn back the clock, and erase everything, how would you proceed? What happens next? No, that cannot happen and those thoughts are wasted.
- Are you trying to tell yourself – life would be better since you know what you now know?
- Plain and simple, are you living in reality, accepting reality, and trying to process reality?
- What if you tried to make a new start and tried believing everything happens for a purpose? Could you possibly change your thoughts and see the positive side rather than the bleak one?
- Is it possible to let go of all the fear, anxiety, frustration, and overwhelming sadness to find peace?
- Can you become a better person from all of it, and have peace?
Only the person who is grieving can decide any of this, and only that person can change their thoughts so they can move forward.
One last thought…
Those of us who are grieving should think about those who left us. They had no choices in the matter, and fear was present with them too. Their acceptance did not matter it was just their time. They were faced with the end of life:
“Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return to the God who gave it.” Ecclesiastes 12: 7
It seems to me that another person can only tell you how he or she is working through his or her grief. A professional can tell you how they have seen other people learn to heal themselves unless they too have experienced the process of grief.
Either way…grief is like death; it is somewhat unexplainable and often very hard to master. One must work through it their own way…
One-step, one moment, and one thought at a time.From the heart of a mother
More reading on God, Grief, and Peace… Grief, God’s Love, Inner Peace, How, When, and Where